Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
