I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
