Can i not drive my cunt home
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
