Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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