I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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