I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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