I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
