PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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