Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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