Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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