i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
