Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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