I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
