Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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