Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
