I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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