My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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