Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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