What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize