tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
