Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
