I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
