totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
