Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So vagazzling was a success
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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