so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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