Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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