The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
