Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
