Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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