He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
