Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
