found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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