Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
