I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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