do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
