I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
