What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
