You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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