i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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