I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
