Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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