Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
