so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
