u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
