I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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