This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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