apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
