Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize