"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
