my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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