I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
