Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just found a bag of teeth...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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