I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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