Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
