Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
