Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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